Sadness.. but what about summertime rage, though?
Anything enraging you?
When I get enraged, it's often because
-I feel a lack of boundaries or respect. Sometimes the former can be mistaken for the latter. I feel like there's no room for me. (A feeling with historical roots for me. Thus- a powerful trigger.)
-I feel like I don't have the knowledge or skills or money to fix my problem. And others have plenty. Gahhhhhhh! (The old "not fair!" refrain from childhood.)
I'm a problem solver, acceptance does not come naturally to me.
If you're angry, I wonder if you are too.
Perhaps more calmly, In The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner explains:
When we do not put our primary emotional energy into solving our own problems, we take on other people’s problems as our own.
Their assumptions, their clumsy speech, their asks of us are enraging because we don't know how to communicate boundaries.
the dance of AngeR
Lerner again:
Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self — our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions — is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth.
(bolding, my own)
Women are often angry because of the bold part.
Just gonna speak to the bold part right now.
In general, women are socialized to give, care and tune in to the needs of those around us. If we repeatedly are ignored or get nothing back, we are full of that shit and rage spills over (if we are not Jesus or Gandhi- and we are not. People fucking noticed them). We have been given different instruction books for stress. We are still caring because it needs to be done and we see the need and we value the work but we are missing out on some learning and some resting. And now we're tired and don't make as much money and we don't know how to change tires or speak truth to power because we've been fucking busy.
But angry women get ostracized.
We don't want that. We can't survive that. It is a basic human need to stay connected to a tribe.
Soraya Chemaly investigated women's separation from their anger in her book Rage Becomes Her: “By effectively severing anger from ‘good womanhood,’ we chose to sever girls and women from the emotion that best protects us against danger and injustice.”
Anger is powerful. It spurs us to action- to safety and health. Danger can look like a man with a gun OR like a relationship in which you're becoming servile and depressed. Anger can point out that dysfunction - but sometimes its message is hard to hear.
Anger and depression
WebMD agrees: "Suppressed anger can be an underlying cause of anxiety and depression. Anger that is not appropriately expressed can disrupt relationships, affect thinking and behavior patterns, and create a variety of physical problems. Chronic (long-term) anger has been linked to health issues such as high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems."
Got any of those?
When anger is turned inward, it turns into depression too. We don't know how to get resources to help ourselves, so we simmer, and then implode. Our inner world becomes dark and it's distracting and it's heavy. Too heavy to move forward. Sometimes we eat through it, drink through it, cut ourselves to feel something different. Sometimes we isolate and sleep and abstain from all action.
And things remain the same.
How to prevent anger from taking over
Explore your anger's patterns.
I remember I once brought up my "irritability" to my therapist and she annoyingly didn't tell me how to make it go away but asked "What's irritating you?" Oh. Well, the way this relationship was not meeting my expectations, and where did those expectations come from and perhaps the rigidity of them is not the be-all end-all ultimate truth or particularly useful in this phase of my particular life and what kind of ways can we think of to get my needs met without being furious that A is kind of similar to B, 30 years ago. Akkkkk. Table flipping fodder. It was tough to parse but we did it and the process was more useful than a pill or pint. I maintain that therapy helps. The process was generalizeable for years and similar situations to come. Anger is like an alarm: Check on this! Your oven is real damn hot- you know that, right? Do not leave the kitchen.
Address anger with assertive communication.
So you now know what you need. You've done the work - on your own or in therapy. You need someone to adjust their behavior. Do you ask for it - or do you assume it's impossible?
Or are you too furious because THEY SHOULD ALREADY KNOW! OF COURSE I NEED THAT, EVERYONE NEEDS THAT, MY BOYFRIEND/COLLEAGUE/MOM IS AN IDIOT FOR NOT KNOWING!
They may be dolts, but you do want to fix this, right?
Ask for what you need. More attention? More validation, more collaboration? If these things are possible to get from your buddy, speak up. Of course, it can be hard to get through to someone who has their own hurts and defenses but it's absolutely worth a try.
Express your objective experience and how you feel in the situation-then what you would like from the other person. Maybe it's a colleague.
"I have been spending all of my time on this project since we agreed it was a priority. I feel overwhelmed when you ask me for the presentation two days earlier than previously agreed.
I'm asking that we stick to the original timeline. Here's what will result if so: I'll give a great, well-researched pitch and we'll likely get the gig."
Might not change things but you can always ask. (They may not feel it's their job to support you in that way. Humans are hard, sigh. Maybe this is an inside job. More on that next time. )
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