I wish I knew.
Looking for resilience after the 2024 election
I feel pretty beside myself. Pretty unable to offer reassurance to clients that our country is not deep in the shitter -one that is broken and doesn't flush. And there's no plunger in the house or anywhere nearby and the plumber is really busy and we're going to have to wait at least four years for her to show up. And then we might miss her when she comes and knocks because we're upstairs and the doorbell is broken and then we have to keep on waiting.
We totally missed the plumber just now, guys.
I feel pretty uninterested in trying to act politically neutral, as a therapist. I'm sorry. Call me unprofessional. I'm always going to be so bold as to be transparent about my endorsement of the candidate who does not have a personality disorder or a lengthy criminal record.
So many Americans feel really unsafe right now. So many feel angry, heartbroken, confused or terrified. Many of us alternate amongst these on an hourly basis. Many of us are super duper privileged and will be most likely personally fine under this regime- not deported, fired or beat up. But the planet won't. And our neighbors won't. And that keeps me up at night.
I go to action. That's how I roll.
Oh no, you mistake me.
I don't actually TAKE action. I spin my wheels in frantic anger that I don't know HOW to take effective action.
After 9/11, as soon as I was allowed south of 14th street, I was in my therapist's office, feeling embarrassed and regretful that I wasn't, I don't know, a diplomat or a firefighter. I felt like a real tool without a use. I was an actor then, and we talked about the use of the arts to wake people up to action, new realizations, but who was I kidding? I didn't know how to market myself so I never got an agent so I never worked so I didn't do a lot of inspiring and uniting with my 2 tiny plays a year or so. I wish I'd known how to make my own work. Just a mere nine years later, I quit and went back to school to try to do something of more use.
Now I'm a therapist. Today, I work with people who are similarly devastated post-election. They all come from different circumstances and some are more politically savvy / on the political pulse than me and thus less shocked but they are really really sad. We predicted our fellow citizens were generally good and interested in supporting each other- not threatening and deporting and turning against each other in the interest of money and homogeny. In Psychology Today, Dan Mager, MSW writes "It can be deeply disequilibrating to feel as though half of the country experiences reality in a way that’s so dramatically different from you." (I think I just learned a new vocab word.)
My clients and I are in this grief together.
This is what we're working on (as I note reminders to self too):
Allow time to grieve. If you don't go through it, if you move too quickly into trying to be really productive and fine, it will hang around. Pauline Boss, the psychologist who coined the term "ambiguous loss," found that with this type of loss, there are not traditions and rituals like wakes that help us heal. So we're winging it. Cancel dumb commitments. Cry and write and talk to your loved ones about how you feel. Actually list what you feel you've lost.
Accept that this is gonna hurt for a while. Feeling bad about feeling bad actually makes you feel worse. Allowing pain to come out, then to move on through actually ensures you'll be ready to take action sooner. Boss again: "You learn to live with loss by finding a new purpose in it, finding something you can do to change things. You have to find a purpose in your loss, and that purpose should be something active."
And on that subject, come together. Organize gatherings even if you're not making a plan to resist, or whatever. Be with your people. As much as you can. Notice that they're still here. Take walks with them when you can't sit still.
Accept your human limits. Pace yourself. Just say no to chaos and overwhelm. (Those are tools authoritarians use to wear out protestors .) Brainstorm ways you can help people in need, research how resistance works, but then take a break. Come back to it. Ask questions that feel humbling. Ask for help. If you're a less good cook, manager, partner in these early days, give yourself a little grace. Tell people where you are. Take a sick day if you have them.
Author Lyz Lenz reminds us to stay in the moment. This is a giant country; there will be dissent, there has been before. "This election wasn’t going to ever suddenly eradicate racism or reverse book bans. This election wasn’t going to suddenly make everyone be less transphobic or decide to care for the unhoused. The work remains the same no matter who is in office. There are no quick fixes to building a better life. Even if Harris won, Trump voters would still be around, still running our school boards and state legislatures.
This is the work."
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