So like but
how is the
rage of women
different than men's anger?
The sources.
Soraya Chemaly, who wrote about women's unique anger in her 2019 book, Rage Becomes Her , tied it to the type of jobs so many of us are in (nurses, teachers, therapists), "It's pseudo-maternal work and poorly paid. These people register very high levels of repressed, suppressed and diverted anger. And it has a lot to do with being expected to work tirelessly. And with no kind of legitimate boundaries. Obviously
"Similar dynamics are often found in heterosexual marriage," she says."Women in the US feel very deep shame about anger," says Chemaly, and may describe their anger as stress or sadness.
Ok, we are "stressed", or "depressed". What are we advised to do? Take SSRIs, take some time off (hahahahaha), take several gulps of some good Chardonnay. Quiet it. Soundproof your head.
In “Eloquent Rage” (2018), Brittney Cooper disagrees.
“We need to embrace our rage,” Cooper has said, “and allow it to become a source of energy that empowers the type of work we can do, to build a world we want to see.”
But why is that hard?
The socialized response.
Letting women's rage speak
With anger, are reacting to a perceived threat. Fight or flight mode is not the best state for the kind of nuanced strategery we modern ladies need to defeat our tormentors. We need to compel these dumb-dumbs to listen. We need to form alliances. We need to get in the room where it happens. We need our frontal lobes. The wise, type-A older sister part of the brain.
See, Brian? She was too pissed at your dumbass comment to access her frontal lobe.
We've gotta get those rough thoughts out on a notepad and turn them into a powerful takedown speech later. But pay attention to the feeling, dammit. It is an alert to a perceived injustice. Figure out (in therapy, in your journal or in conversation with a generous friend) whether it is tied to the past or something that can be addressed in the present.
Women's anger as a secondary emotion
Anger is often called a "secondary emotion", but what does that mean? Feels pretty damn primary at times- kind of like it takes over everything. It feels like survival. But we probably feel something else (even just for a second) first and THEN come to "How dare that person make me feel hurt, scared, rejected or humiliated?!" Anger feels righteous. Anger feels protective- and it can be. It can summon our energy to fix a situation. But it can also be destructive when left to fester.
self worth and anger.
Angry thoughts often are in the style of "I just KNEW this was going to happen." or "Of course. This WOULD happen on the one day I'M here!" People with low self esteem see the world through dirty, dark glasses. They doubt themselves and- like I wrote in the other anger post- their ability to solve problems that arise. They are super sensitive to constructive criticism and don't want feedback. When you have low self-esteem, you have a fragile ego. You more easily take offense, you feel personally attacked when things don't go as planned. Your hurt quickly and imperceptively tips into rage. You can't recover as easily when you don't get something right because how valuable you are as a human (feels like it) depends all on THAT MOMENT.
Anger turned inward
Relatedly, If your inner self talk is mean and critical all the time ("You spilled coffee on your work shirt! Why do you always f things up?!", "Your resume looks like a middle school dropout's!"), like a kid who gets bullied, you're going to get enraged- or shrink down and skulk away. Working through this emotional turn of events, these beliefs and automatic responses in therapy is a way to slow down and interrupt the rage cycle. We can find out what resources and scripts are missing, what allies could help you. You don't have to simmer silently.
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